Fair warning… This may be be a depressing article, and for those not having fun in their lives or not succeeding, it may not be for you….
In my 47 years on this planet, I have seen my share of successes, failures, unfulfilled goals, shattered dreams, mini victories, and just general accomplishments. I’m good at a lot of things, I’m pretty good at a few, but mostly I’m not great at anything. I’m unremarkable, normal, and basically a nobody. Now that’s a pretty mundane start to a blog post, and lord knows I have a pretty mundane life, but I cant help but think there is more to life than going through the motions, getting up, having my morning coffee (usually a pot or two) going through my usual websites, catching up on what I missed in the 6 hours since I went to bed, getting in the shower dressing myself, then going off to work for anywhere from 9 to 13 hours a day, coming home, and starting the process all over again. I’m sure there is in fact, more to this thing called life, but for the most part I have a severe case of “lack of motivation”. I have always been an underachiever and have lost out on many an opportunity due to lack of being proactive, being scared, or just plain lazy. I don’t know what it is that keeps me from grabbing the bull by the horns when opportunity arises, but that’s me, sitting in the shadows, not taking the chance and letting others succeed and allowing myself to sit here being comfortable being a failure. I keep telling myself that I will get off the pot tomorrow, do this tomorrow, do a little more, but tomorrow comes and all I do is sit here..
I don’t know what’s more disconcerting, the fact that I don’t take action, or the fact that I KNOW I am not doing what I know I should do. it all boils down to motivation. I have none. I don’t know if it is because I am afraid of failure, because of my layoff in 2008, because of my failed relationship with my son, or because of my last divorce, but whatever the reason, I need to get over it, get through it, and find the juice I need to move on to bigger and better things. I know inside myself there lies a person that can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it. But there is also this little voice inside of me that is telling me that I will fail and right now that voice is overriding anything else that is happening in that pea size brain of mine. I am not sure what it is going to take to move on from my problems, I have a long laundry list of things that are haunting me, things that I wish I could have done better or different, but although those are obstacles, they should not be taking away from the things I know I should be doing to better myself, to better my situation, or to be happy.
Am I depressed? Yes, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but despite that, I know things could be worse. I have a roof over my head, a job, a family that loves me, great circle of friends, and I am relatively healthy, despite my weight issues and smoking. Depression is a weird and cruel monster, just when you think you are coming out of it, it rears its ugly head and you fall back into that abyss and start the patterns all over again.
So beginning with this revelation for all of you to see, I am taking this time to try and focus on getting better. I am generally a happy person, but sometimes that isn’t enough. I am going through the motions and not doing anything to better my situation, whether it is because I don’t have the time, don’t have the funds, or just simply don’t care any more. Most of you that are my friends would never know from the outside that things have not been going well. In fact I am sitting here while writing this contemplating if I should even post this to my blog. Usually I am positive, and I certainly don’t want to LOSE readers because of this, but then again, the people that do read my blog are for the most part the people I trust and the ones that will look at this as a confession, not so much a “oh poor me” post. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not looking for a handout, nor am I looking for a magic bullet to get me out of this. I am simply looking for understanding that despite all of my outward appearances, I am dealing with a lot of shit, and if this post allows me to begin the transition to what I know I can accomplish then so be it.
Thank you for reading this, and for those that did not stop at the first paragraph, I appreciate it. Just know that despite all of my issues I am still going to try and get through them, whatever it takes, whatever I have to do. Just understand that I am not going anywhere, I am not at the point of giving up, and to be honest it is the people that I have met while online that have allowed me to keep trying to move forward. The friends I have on this wonderful creation called the internet are my rock, they are my focus, and I love everyone of you. Just know that this will not be the last time I address these issues, and there will be times when I will sound like a poster child for giving up, but just know that I had to get this written for my own sanity, in order to put everything in perspective and to be able to write down on digital paper what it is that I need to look at and remember should I be able to look back and laugh at this post and tell myself what loser I was at this point in my life…lol
For those that have me on Skype, feel free to ask if you need any further details or are curious to see how I am doing. I wont bite, and I wont ignore you.
Keep me in your thoughts, and thank you for reading.